I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
