Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just found a bag of teeth...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
