no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
