in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
