During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
