dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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