dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
