I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
