i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
