Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
