I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
