you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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