I can text with my tongue
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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