forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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