I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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