i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
