i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
