if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
