It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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