Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
We had to coat check the pizza.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
