better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
