Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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