I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
