I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
