dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
