you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
