my phone needs a breathalizer
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
This show inspires me to have sex in space
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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