i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i drank out of a bidet.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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