I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Dick very happy bro
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
