So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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