That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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