all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
