At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
