It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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