the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
