I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
