I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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