My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
