I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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