Who wears a wallet chain?!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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