You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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