apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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