I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
