If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My cat gives me a boner
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
