That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
