I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
