Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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