I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
