So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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