My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
