dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
