my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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