well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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