if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
