alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize