You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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