The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
