Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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